


Soul of Ice

by ArynjaT



Series: Soul [1]
Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Angst, COVID, Depression, Drama, F/M, Graphic Suicide Attempt, Letter, M/M, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:01:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25473532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArynjaT/pseuds/ArynjaT
Summary: Brian doesn't know how to continue on with his life. Before he attempts to end it, he sends a letter to Nick to tell him all he is feeling.
Relationships: Brian Littrell/Nick Carter, Frick & Frack, Nick Carter/Brian Littrell
Series: Soul [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1875325
Comments: 14
Kudos: 12





	Soul of Ice

__

* * *

_"Hello Nick,_

_How long has it been since we have last talked? One weeks, two weeks? Possibly longer. I hate that. Do you remember when we spoke every day? At times it seemed, we never would stop talking. From the first breath of the morning to the last breath of the evening. You and me, we always had something to speak about. Sometimes I wonder when things changed, who was at fault and how it could have ended this way. And whenever I do, I remember that the only one to blame is me._

_We had everything you and I. When our friendship changed and developed into love it first felt so awkward to us. Loving another guy? Times back then were different, we were ashamed. And yet there was no denying, that I loved you. I still do. But back then it confused me. I kept telling myself, that it wasn't true. But it was. You and I, we used to share our bed more often than not. It started one day, when you were so homesick and sad. The tears in your eyes made my heart ache. How could I have let you sleep alone that day? You needed me and I was there. At first it was just me being a friend, taking care of their younger band-mate. Things changed. I don't know when it happened, but suddenly I found myself longing to lay by your side again. When you were sleeping I sometimes just stared at you for hours. You are so beautiful. Your skin, your eyes, your hair. I found myself longing to touch those golden strands. I never did._

_Not until one day, when it just happened. We were so exhausted from the show we had just done. I had arrived in the room first, had taken a shower. When you came I was just dressed in a towel. That's when I noticed it. You were looking at me, the same way I was looking at you all the time. You blushed. It was so cute to see your cheeks grow red and suddenly you were so nervous. My heart was running a marathon when I saw you like that. When you averted your look I stepped closer. Couldn't control it, my body was moving on its own in instinct. As I touched your chin you gasped. As I lifted your head you bit your lower lip. So tempting. I always loved your lips and the way they were always just a tiny bit more red than needed. Sometimes I wondered if they would taste like strawberries, they had the colour. I guess that evening I wanted to find out. When our lips touched I could feel the sparks flying, I knew you could too. I noticed when your knees got weak and I had to move my hand behind your back to hold onto you. I pulled you closer into the kiss, savored it. Your taste, it wasn't strawberries, it was something much better, so sweet and innocent. I would have never guessed, that you could even taste that: Innocence. But I swear with you I could. How long did we kiss that night? It seemed like an eternity. And it was not only one kiss. No, I took my time to kiss you not only on the lips, but also on he cheek, on your earlobe, on the neck. And then you moaned. That sweet sound (I swear I will never forget it) it lighted a whole different fire in me. I could feel it in my loins. I wanted you, I wanted you so bad. Ravage you, make you mine. Any worries about being gay were forgotten, when you were laying in my arms like that. I was playing you like a fiddle._

_Still, you were so young and still so shy and I didn't want to ruin, what had just begone. So I pulled back. I thought it was, what was right for you. But then you surprised me. You took the initiative and grabbed me by my wrist. 'Brian, don't stop!', I still remember the tone of your voice when you spoke those words. They were breathy, you were obviously aroused and passionate. And your eyes, they were so full of lust and desire. You wanted me, too. How could I have denied your request? How could I have ignored that primal longing? I had to take you that night. And I did._

_Our first time was phenomenal. Neither of us had ever done anything like that with a man, but we took our time, to explore that new ground together. You were curious, you always were, but in this night it seemed like you wanted to know every detail about how to make me feel good. You didn't disappoint me. I was surprised how skilled your hands were, even more surprised about what you did with your tongue. Baby, you are a phenomenal lover and you carried me to heights I had never reached before. I took care of you too, couldn't have you not satisfied. At first you whimpered, then you gasped and finally you moaned. You were so sexy. And with each touch, each kiss and in the end with each thrust you got louder and louder. Do you remember when I put my hand in front of your mouth? I hated that I needed to do that, because I loved to hear you moan, but I had to take care nobody else heard you. What would they have said?_

_That's the problem isn't it? I always cared too much about what other people think. Cared too much about our... no mostly my image. That's what lead to our downfall. You and I we were perfect. We belonged together and we were so happy, oh so happy. After you I never was as happy again. It wasn't your fault it ended. No it was just me. It was 1998, before my heart surgery. My problem was, that I always thought too much about things. You and I we were perfect, but I knew or at least thought I knew, the world wouldn't see it that way. You Nick were the teenage heartthrob of our group and I came second to you in popularity. I thought our fans would never want to see us together and even worse was my fear about what people who weren't our fans would say. There were so many reports about what homosexuals had to suffer through, just because they loved men instead of women. I kept seeing those stories, focusing on them. And the more I saw, the more scared I became. I did not want to see you and me become target to a hate crime. Just imagining you being hurt for loving me, it still is hard to think about it today. I wanted to protect you. So I decided to end it. But I knew in order to get away from you, simply ending it wouldn't be enough._

_That's where Leighanne came into the picture. She was perfect for what I wanted to do. Binding me to her would mean, that I'd never relapse and get back to you again, or so I thought. I picked her too, she seemed like the kind of woman, that would work. And I was right. She did just what I needed her to. She separated me and you. I know I told you once how pissed I was, that you didn't come to visit me, when I had heart surgery. Part of me truly was, but there was also a part, that was happy. I knew you didn't come because you were young and scared, but I did not tell you that. I blamed you for not coming for years, whenever I talked about the topic. Said that Leighanne was the only one who really cared for me. I said it so often, that in the end I nearly believed it myself._

_She was perfect for keeping us apart. When I married her I knew I broke your heart and I hate myself for doing that. But at the time I thought it was the best I could do to keep you secure and to keep our image clean. I didn't expect you to fall as deep as you did. It was terrible to see you change, terrible to see you fall for drugs and partying. You became a whole different kind of person and it was all my fault. Thinking about it now, I should have run to you. I should have taken you in my arms and told you, that I loved you with all of my heart and that I would never let you go again. Alas, I did not._

_It was stupid to think that way, but even though what you were going through was bad, I felt what you would go through if people found out you were gay would even be worse. So I made my choice. Because I knew talking to you would have resulted in me falling back to you. So I just decided to ignore you. I managed to do so for one year._

_That year was the worst I until then had experienced in my life. That I abandoned you like that made me feel like a monster and things at home weren't great either. Now that I had married Leighanne I began noticing things I had not seen before. I always had thought she was a gold digger, what I had not expected was for her to be cold and cruel. But she was. It started when she got pregnant and at first I thought it were only her hormones going crazy. But after Baylee was born she stayed the same. I guess she felt like she had leverage over me, when she found out what had been between you and me. If I had only been more careful. But when you are young, you don't always think things through. Had I destroyed the pictures you and me took together, she never would have found out. But I simply didn't have the heart for destroying our memories. They were too precious to me._

_One night I found her sitting in the living room, holding the album. She showed me a picture of you and me kissing and I froze on the spot. The smirk on her face scared me so much. She had me under her control. If I did anything she didn't like she would destroy me with that information she gained and even worse, she would destroy you. She would make our life a living hell, if I didn't please her. I had no other choice. I had to do what she wanted._

_So for years I played happy family with her. You and everybody else noticed the change. Do you think it was my idea to take her along on so many concerts and later even the cruises? Or her business endeavours. Do you think I wanted to finance her or have her advertise on BSB events? I had no other choice, Nick. And while I helped her with all that, I played along and smiled and pretended to be happy. But it was so stressful. Sometimes I couldn't stay silent. Sometimes I tried to stand up to her and then we shouted at each other loudly and for hours. I bet you heard on the cruise. She also put me down a lot, isolated me from you, Kev, AJ, Howie, my family, everyone I ever knew. I was supposed just to be with her and her friends, her family. One time she told me, that without her I would have no friends, cause nobody would care for me. She said that everybody who said they would would only say so because of my fame. Worst part about it: I don't know if what she says is true. By now you and the guys must hate me. And my fans, I guess perhaps they might only care for my fame? I don't know Nick. I really don't._

_Things got so bad. If it had not been for my son I would have quit life way sooner. But Baylee was there and he was the one light I had in my life for a long time. He and the dreams of your kisses were what kept me alive. Yes Nick, I dream of you every night. We may have parted long ago, but in my dreams we are still together. When I was awake things were stressful though and I am pretty sure, that this stress is at least partly at fault for my voice issues. When I lost my voice I felt like I lost the only thing about me, that I still liked. The only thing I still felt proud of. Now there is nothing good left about me. All I ever accomplished was to destroy everything that was good, mostly you._

_Do you remember when I visited you that one night on tour. When I stood in front of your room crying? I wanted to tell you everything. Wanted to tell you that I always loved you. When you let me in I even managed to kiss you, but it was different. This was not like our first kiss, you weren't happy, you froze when you felt my lips. Then you stared me down in confusion and sadness. However that sadness soon turned into anger. That was what took away my courage. I couldn't tell you anymore what I felt. It is not your fault. I know why you were angry. I was cruel to you and it was stupid to put my emotions onto you like that. And yet when I turned around to run away you called for me to stop, but I didn't._

_After that I didn't want to live anymore. Things with Baylee had changed too. Leighanne had him under her control. I don't know about all the things she told him about me. He doesn't know about me and you. But the things she must have told him must have been bad. I have seen the way he looks at me sometimes. Angry and sometimes even with disgust. My own son hates me Nick. My own son..._

_It was all too much for me. You have seen how much weight I lost, even our fans were worried, even those that normally hate me. I just couldn't handle life anymore. Leighanne noticed too. She laughed at me. Can you believe that? She laughed at me but then she shouted again. Wanted me to become healthy again, continue to play happy family. She knows our secret. I had no choice. I had to do what she wanted me to. So I gained weight again. People believed I was getting better, feeling happier, but it was just for show. How could I be happy with her around? I only ever could be without her._

_God must have thought about me, when she didn't come along on DNA tour. Finally free from the pressure of having her around I felt so much better. Even you noticed. I loved our time in Europe Nick. It was when I noticed you were not angry with me anymore. At times it felt like the old times, the best times. The difference is... there was no love. While I never stopped loving you, you did stop loving me. And I can't blame you, because I was the person to break your heart. And yet I wished it was still there. Just one heart-felt kiss with you would have mended so many things in me. Not that smiling and joking with you didn't feel good. No, I loved our time in Europe. I wished it could have lasted._

_Come 2020, come Covid. I have been stuck at home with my wife for months now. I can't stand it, being constantly around her is driving me mad. When we were on tour or on promotion I at least had a little time off, with interviews or concerts, but now, there is no escape. She constantly is around me and she found a new game. She knows the fans don't like her and she knows that when they hate her, they also hate on me. The appalling things she posted, I hate her for it. How I wished I could tell everyone what I truly believe in. I can't, she would destroy you. And so I have to support her, play happy family. And so people keep writing me what a bad person I am._

_They don't need to tell me, I already know. I already know..._

_I'm bad. I don't deserve to live. I only ever caused hurt for the people I love. People are right to hate me._

_Before I go Nick, I want you to know how sorry I am. I am sorry, that I broke your heart. I am so sorry. You deserve all the love in the world._

_Please don't be sad when I'm gone. It's the right thing to do. The only thing to do._

_I love you,_

_Brian"_

With the last word written, Brian hit the send button of his mail-programme. He hoped Nick would understand. Things had not been good in a long while and it had all been his fault. If he wanted to make things good again, he had to take action. Carried by determination he rose from his seat and made the way into the bathroom. Looking into the mirror he barely recognized himself. Those eyes, they once had been sparkling with happiness. Now they were dull and empty.

Soon it would be over.

As he reached for the razor-blade his mind once more drifted to Nick. How different would things have been, if he had just decided to stay with him? Perhaps they would have been happy now. As he thought about it the sadness gathered in his throat making him gulp. Tears that had already found their way into his eyes were now running down his cheek.

Soon it would be over.

And as the razor-blade trailed along the skin of his left arm it drew a line. Beautiful. Odd how that was the first thing that came to his mind. That crimson colour, so deep and strong, it really had a shine to it. It hurt, but he didn't stop, he couldn't. If he stopped now he couldn't reach the goal. The small line, soon became a deep gash and the flow of redness increased. Still it was not enough. One arm was open, but he had two. So the blade traveled from one hand to the next, to repeat the dance on the other side. It started slow and then got faster and deeper. It was done.

Soon it would be over.

And as his arms were open the blade dropped to the ground and Brian sat down. 'This is the end.', he thought and closed his eyes, even before unconsciousness dropped over him. And as his mind drifted away, he could have sworn, he heard a phone ringing.

Soon it would be over.

When he woke, he woke up in a room that seemed so bright. He was nearly blinded by the light, but as he turned his head he noticed someone. There he was again. His beautiful angel. Nick. Just like every night, the same dream. Brian watched as Nick came closer, leaned to him as he took him by the neck and pulled him into a kiss. It felt so good. There was so much passion in this kiss, that his heart started to race. It was so sad, that it soon would be over again and he would wake up.

Odd. Whenever Nick parted from him the dream usually ended. This time it did not. This time Nick offered him his hand. Stranger even, he spoke: "Let's go Brian. Let's go, you are free!"

How different.

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLuurIxMCs0


End file.
